Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life

Explores the principles of compassionate communication and tools for resolving conflict, fostering empathy, and building authentic relationships. By Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.

Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life offers transformative tools for improving communication, resolving conflicts, and deepening empathy in relationships. The book emphasizes the following key concepts:

• Shifting Old Patterns: Replacing defensive or aggressive behaviors with compassionate understanding and clarity.
• Observation vs. Evaluation: Learning to separate facts from judgments to improve mutual understanding

Other Highlights #

• As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as to others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.
• it is important to keep in mind that NVC is not a set formula, but something that adapts to various situations as well as personal and cultural styles.
• Moralistic Judgments One kind of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. Such judgments are reflected in language: “The problem with you is that you’re too selfish.” “She’s lazy.” “They’re prejudiced.” “It’s inappropriate.” Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment.
• “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
• Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.
• It does not surprise me to hear that there is considerably less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as “good” or “bad” and believe that the “bad” ones deserve to be punished.
• We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves: Vague, impersonal forces—“I cleaned my room because I had to.” Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history—“I drink because I am an alcoholic.” The actions of others—“I hit my child because he ran into the street.” The dictates of authority—“I lied to the client because the boss told me to.” Group pressure—“I started smoking because all my friends did.”
• Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication.
• The language of wrongness, should, and have to is perfectly suited for this purpose: the more people are trained to think in terms of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness and badness, the more they are being trained to look outside themselves—to outside authorities—for the definition of what constitutes right, wrong, good, and bad.
• The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense of well-being, without mixing in any evaluation.
• NVC does not mandate that we remain completely objective and refrain from evaluating. It only requires that we maintain a separation between our observations and our evaluations.
• The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.
• We subsequently worked together to create a list identifying specific behaviors, on the part of the principal, that bothered them, and made sure that the list was free of evaluation.
• Exercise 1 OBSERVATION OR EVALUATION? To determine your proficiency at discerning between observations and evaluations, complete the following exercise. Circle the number in front of each statement that is an observation only, with no evaluation mixed in.
• My expression of vulnerability had a pronounced effect on the students. They started to ask questions about me, to tell me things about themselves, and to express curiosity about NVC.
• Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
• Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs. We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled. Thus, if we want coats to be hung up in the closet, we may characterize our children as lazy for leaving them on the couch. Or we may interpret our co-workers as irresponsible when they don’t go about their tasks the way we would prefer them to.
• I was once invited to Southern California to mediate between some landowners and migrant farm workers whose conflicts had grown increasingly hostile and violent. I began the meeting by asking these two questions: “What is it that you are each needing? And what would you like to request of the other in relation to these needs?”
• In this case, the woman could have responded to the mukhtar in terms of her own needs and requests by saying, for example, “I am needing more respect in our dialogue. Instead of telling us how you think we are acting, would you tell us what it is we are doing that you find disturbing?” It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased. The following are some of the basic human needs we all share:
• At the third stage, emotional liberation, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame. Our actions are therefore fulfilling to us, as well as to those who receive our efforts. We accept full responsibility for our own intentions and actions, but not for the feelings of others. At this stage, we are aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others. Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled.
• Use positive language when making requests.
• Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.
• A similar lack of clarity occurred between a father and his fifteen-year-old son when they came in for counseling. “All I want is for you to start showing a little responsibility,” claimed the father. “Is that asking too much?” I suggested that he specify what it would take for his son to demonstrate the responsibility he was seeking. After a discussion on how to clarify his request, the father responded sheepishly, “Well, it doesn’t sound so good, but when I say that I want responsibility, what I really mean is that I want him to do what I ask, without question—to jump when I say jump, and to smile while doing it.” He then agreed with me that if his son were to actually behave this way, it would demonstrate obedience rather than responsibility.
• Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.
• When I emphasize the importance of our ability to ask for reflections, people often express reservations. They are worried about reactions like, “What do you think I am—deaf?” or, “Quit playing your psychological games.” To prevent such responses, we can explain to people ahead of time why we may sometimes ask them to reflect back our words. We make clear that we’re not testing their listening skills, but checking out whether we’ve expressed ourselves clearly.
• However, should the listener retort, “I heard what you said; I’m not stupid!” we have the option to focus on the listener’s feelings and needs and ask—either aloud or silently—“Are you saying you’re feeling annoyed because you want respect for your ability to understand things?”
• Sometimes we’d like to know something about our listener’s thoughts in response to what they just heard us say. At these times, it’s important to specify which thoughts we’d like them to share. For example, we might say, “I’d like you to tell me if you predict that my proposal would be successful, and if not, what you believe would prevent its success,” rather than simply saying, “I’d like you to tell me what you think about what I’ve said.” When we don’t specify which thoughts we would like to receive, the other person may respond at great length with thoughts that aren’t the ones we are seeking.
• Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately. The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy. When others trust that our primary commitment is to the quality of the relationship, and that we expect this process to fulfill everyone’s needs, then they can trust that our requests are true requests and not camouflaged demands.
• The Chinese philosopher Chuang-Tzu stated that true empathy requires listening with the whole being: “The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.”
• intellectual understanding of a problem blocks the kind of presence that empathy requires.
• The way I expressed my choice—which in this situation turned out to be helpful—was not so much through what I said, but through what I did. Instead of judging him as lying, I tried to hear his feeling: he was scared, and his need was to protect himself from being punished. By empathizing with him, I had a chance of making an emotional connection out of which we could both get our needs met. However, if I had approached him with the view that he was lying—even if I hadn’t expressed it out loud—he would have been less likely to feel safe expressing truthfully what had happened. I would have then become part of the process: by the very act of judging another person as a liar, I would contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Why would people want to tell the truth, knowing they will be judged and punished for doing so?
• With a broader perspective, however, we realize that each time our needs are met in this way, we not only lose, but we have contributed very tangibly to violence on the planet. We may have solved an immediate problem, but we will have created another one. The more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future.
• Four Steps to Expressing Anger
• when you make the connection, the problem solves itself most of the time.
• Many of us have great difficulty expressing our needs: we have been taught by society to criticize, insult, and otherwise (mis)communicate in ways that keep us apart. In a conflict, both parties usually spend too much time intent on proving themselves right, and the other party wrong, rather than paying attention to their own and the other’s needs. And such verbal conflicts can far too easily escalate into violence—and even war.
• I asked the husband what needs of his weren’t being fulfilled in the marriage. He said, “I need to get out of this marriage.” What he was describing was a specific person (himself) taking a specific action (leaving the marriage). He wasn’t expressing a need; he was identifying a strategy.
• “I’m aware that you’re both in a lot of pain. Let’s begin with each of you expressing whatever needs of yours aren’t being fulfilled in your relationship. Once you understand each other’s needs, I’m confident we can work on strategies to meet those needs.”
• To resolve conflicts using NVC, we need to train ourselves to hear people expressing needs regardless of how they do the expressing.
• So this is our work: learning to recognize the need in statements that don’t overtly express any need. It takes practice, and it always involves some guessing.
• By my definition, a need doesn’t refer to a specific action, such as spending or not spending money.
• When either side hears itself criticized, diagnosed, or interpreted, the energy of the situation will likely turn toward self-defense and counter-accusations rather than toward resolution.
• When people are upset, they often need empathy before they can hear what is being said to them.
• instead of trying to have her repeat what her husband had said, I tried to understand the pain she was in—the pain that kept her from hearing him. Especially if there is a long history of pain, it is important to offer enough empathy so that the parties feel reassured that their pain is being recognized and understood.
• People often need empathy before they are able to hear what is being said.
• If we could just say, “Here are the needs of both sides. Here are the resources. What can be done to meet these needs?,” conflicts would be easily resolved. But instead, our thinking is focused on dehumanizing one another with labels and judgments until even the simplest of conflicts becomes very difficult to solve.
• Non-action language, such as “Give me the freedom to grow” often exacerbates conflict. In this instance, the husband heard himself being judged as domineering. I pointed out to the wife that it wasn’t clear to her husband what she wanted: “Please tell him exactly what you’d like him to do to meet your need to have your choices respected.”
• NVC and the Mediator Role Although in this chapter I have offered examples from mediations I’ve facilitated between conflicting parties, the focus so far has been on how to apply these skills when resolving conflicts between ourselves and another person. There are, however, a few things to keep in mind at those times when we want to use our NVC tools to help two other parties reach a resolution and we take on the role of mediator.
• When we witness behaviors that raise concern in us—unless it is a situation that calls for the protective use of force as described in Chapter 12—the first thing we do is to empathize with the needs of the person who is behaving in the way we dislike. In the first situation, if we wanted to see more violence directed at the toddler, we could, instead of offering empathy to the mother, say something to imply that she was wrong to hit the child. Such a response on our part would only escalate the situation.
• We do not hear “no” as a rejection but rather as an expression of the need that is keeping the person from saying “yes.”